Senator - Heaven and Hell



While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.Then you can choose where to spend eternity.



"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.



"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell.



The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.



In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.



Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.



Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.



Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.



The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.



"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."



She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."



So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell.



Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.



The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.



"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."



The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.



Today, you voted for us!"



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Jacob and Rebecca





Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.



He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"



The pharmacist answers: "Yes."



Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"



Pharmacist: "Of course we do."



Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"



Pharmacist: "All kinds."



Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"



Pharmacist: "Definitely."



Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"



Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."



Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"



Pharmacist: "Absolutely."



Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."



Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."



Jacob:"You have loose bladder and gas pills?"



Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."



Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."



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Eternal Love





He doesn't bring me roses



but He is called the Rose of Sharon.



He doesn't send flowers to my office



but He grows beautiful flowers in my garden.



He doesn't kiss me



but I sense His kiss when I feel sunshine or softly falling rain.



He doesn't give me sparkling diamonds to wear



but the stars He set in the sky shine even more brilliantly.



He doesn't whisper in my ear but His still small voice is ever with me.



He isn't a valentine who has pledged lifelong love



but He is Eternal Love.



He demonstrated it.



Not by gifts or well-intentioned promises



but by offering Himself as the fulfillment of promise.



Not by standing with me at the wedding altar



but by placing Himself on the altar.



That I may know life



That I may know Him



and love Him forever.







Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT)



Janice K. Lawrence

A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:





"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.



I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).



A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"



I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, No." She said, "But they look so close on the map.



An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."



An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"



I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."



A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"



A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"



A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.





Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!