Nana's posts with tag: humor
I love my master:
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face. I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug. My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss -
Maybe catching cats Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there. I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is a bi-partisan group of professionals, dedicated to the diffusion of knowledge concerning velociraptor attack prevention. 
Velociraptor compared in size to a human. Courtesy: Wikipedia |
Know the Enemy The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow. Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionarie amusement parks, but are commonly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors: - Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
- Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s2, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories.
- Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
- Velociraptors do not know fear.
New Home Buyer Tips When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks: - Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
- Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
- Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
 Christmas at Rock-Away Rest 'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, and all of us seniors were looking our best. Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends. Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts, Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath. The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. The social director then had us play games, Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?" Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter). A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social- security checks had arrived. We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Noted Israeli plastic surgeon Eyal Gur said in August that he expects approval next year for his revolutionary breast-lift procedure ("an internal bra") in which an actual thin titanium bra-like frame is implanted just under the skin with silicone cups. (Thanks, but no thanks, I'll stick with my saggy boobs.) 
Convicted sex offender Paul D. Brunelle-Apley, 26, was arrested again, in Madison Township, Ohio, in September, when his attempt to make up with his 14 year old girlfriend came to public attention. According to police, Brunelle-Apley was seeing another girl on the side, (age 15), and in a display of remorse, he delivered flowers and a teddy bear to his main girlfriend while she was in class. (Isn't that special?) 
In September in Escatawpa, Miss., Curtiss Coleman, 53, attempting to call 411 directory assistance, mistakenly dialed 911 and immediately hung up. However, police routinely investigate dropped 911 calls and discovered Coleman's methamphetamine lab. (Stupid is as stupid does.)
 Do you know? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!) If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.  No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food? "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."  The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!" Since my wrist is still swollen and a little painful, I'll copy and paste a few blogs. I just find these things and get some good laughs out of them and want to pass them on.
 Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even  armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already.  And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare.  Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is or how they hide, launder, or cover-up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!  Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! (Just in case hubby decides to read my blogs, which is almost a total non-existent deal. Nope honey, this is just a joke, a copy and paste blog taken from a website. I am not trying to get away from you. LOL)
 Yew Kin Quote Me On That Like a hitch-hiker totin' a chainsaw My life has passed me by, Jist like 3-day-old roadkill It stinks,'n' that's no lie... I took 10 miles of unpaved road My tires have all gone flat, A bumpy-uphill-pot-holed ride ~ Yew kin *quote* me on that. I'd like ta interduce myself But cain't recall my name, 'N' I'm so tard of eatin' crow Guess I'm mostly ta blame... Feel jist like I bin struck out But ain't been up ta bat, My ignorance has gone ta seed ~ Yew kin *quote* me on that. I jist found whar true North is Now thangs have all gone South, But when yore in deep water It's time ta shut yore mouth... Bin told thar's more'n one way Ta skin that rascal cat, If the good Lord's willin' 'n' the creek don't rise ~ Yew kin *quote* me on that. I'm apathetic-ignorant Don't know 'n' I don't care, If yew don't heed which way yew go All roads'll git yew there... I'm jist a good example Of what it costs ta sin, I'd really like ta halp yew out ~ Which way did yew come in? Tho sum folk thank that Heaven's Sum thunk-up nursery rhyme, The Good Book don't begin with "Now, once upon a time" ~ That devil's bin a-temptin' me Long as I bin alive, But I don't stop ta pick him up He always wants ta *drive*! Hey, I ain't got no mind ta cozy-up In Luxury's lap, I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off Ta keep me from that trap... That rich man 'n' the camel's eye Strainin' ta swaller a gnat, Old hags know more'n princesses ~ Yew kin *quote* me on that. Ain't had no luck with Love, folks Bin burnt until I smell, I shoulda read that ole church sign: "No Fire Exits in Hell!" ... 'N' when God comes ta beam me up I pray I'm not too fat, When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here ~ Yew kin *quote* me on that. by: Connie Hinnen Cook
 College Form Letter Date: _______ Dear Parent(s), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send me: __ Money (Cash) Amount: _____ __ Food (Cookies) Dozens: _____ __ Clean clothes! Relationships: __ What? __ I am in love with myself. __ I am in love! __ I am engaged. __ I got married last weekend. My Roommate: __ Worships the ground I walk on. __ Gave me a black eye. __ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me. __ Has fleas. My Professors are: __ Sadistic water walkers. __ Mental institution escapees. __ Brain dead nerds. __ Super oxygen thieves. Latest News: __ I wrecked the car. __ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit. __ You are going to have a grandchild. __ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild. Food: __ Is great! __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking __ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals. __ I stopped eating out of fear. Grades: __ I am making all A's __ I am not being properly challenged __ I will be home after this semester __ I never knew they had a letter grade below F I study: __ Night and day __ All the time __ Eighty hours a week __ Only on Sunday afternoon __ None of the above Daily Devotions: __ I read my Bible everyday __ I can't read __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar On my last visit home, I left: __ My glasses. __ My paper that was due yesterday. __ The clothes you washed for me. __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment. __ Other ____________________________. Please send above items by FedEx (Priority One) or UPS (Blue). Laundry: __ My white underwear is now _________. __ I am saving money by not using detergent. __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester. __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains. My room: __ Can pass your "white glove" test. __ Is only ___% full. __ Could not be located last Saturday night. __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training. Parties: __ I don't inhale __ I only go to meet people __ Haven't been to one since this morning. Hope you: __ Miss me __ Can live without me __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation: __ Your Daughter, __ Your Son,
 I was forced to as a child.
People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap; I can't decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
I don't like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
The last time I washed, someone was rude to me. I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
Washing is for women and children.
Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
I only believe in things I can see, and I can't see bacteria.
Washing may have been okay in my grandfather's day, but it's not practical in today's world.
I watch other people washing on tv.
There are lots of clean people who never wash.
I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
I never wash when I have company.
Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
My wife washes enough for the whole family.
I know people who wash but don't act very clean.
These sound silly but these are the same responses that people use to excuse their rejection of the things of God.
(This was in our church bulletin this past Sunday. Just had to pass it on!)
 Toilet Cleaning Instructions: 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.  Sincerely, The Dog 
 This sounds like something Jake would do, he loves taking my potatoes out and playing with and talking to them in his high pitched pretend voice. :) The Potato Puppy My four-year-old son, Shane, had been asking for a puppy for over a month but his Daddy kept saying, "No dogs! A dog will dig up the garden and chase the ducks and kill our rabbits. No dog, and that's final!" Each night Shane prayed for a puppy, and each morning he was disappointed when there was no puppy waiting outside. I was peeling potatoes for dinner, and he was sitting on the floor at my feet asking for the thousandth time, "Why won't Daddy let me have a puppy?" "Because they are a lot of trouble. Don't cry. Maybe Daddy will change his mind someday," I encouraged him. "No, he won't and I'll never have a puppy in a million years," Shane wailed. I looked into his dirty, tear-streaked face. How could we deny him his one wish? So I said the words that were first spoken by Eve, "I know a way to make Daddy change his mind." "Really?" Shane wiped away his tears and sniffed. I handed him a potato. "Take this and carry it with you until it turns into a puppy," I whispered. "Never let it out of your sight for one minute. Keep it with you all the time, and on the third day, tie a string around it and drag it around the yard and see what happens!" Shane grabbed the potato with both hands. "Mama, how do you make a potato into a puppy?" He turned it over and over in his little hands. "Shh! It's a secret!" I whispered and sent him on his way. "Lord, you know what a woman must do to keep peace in her home!" I prayed. Shane faithfully carried his potato around for two days, he slept with it, bathed with it and talked to it. On the third day I said to my husband, "We really should get a pet for Shane." "What makes you think he needs a pet?" my husband leaned against the doorway. "Well, he's been carrying a potato around with him for days. He calls it Wally and says it is his pet. He sleeps with it on his pillow and right now he has a string tied to it and he's dragging it around the yard," I said. "A potato?" my husband asked and looked out the window and watched Shane taking his potato for a walk. "It will break his heart when the potato gets mushy and rots," I said and started getting out food for lunch, "Besides, every time I try to peel potatoes for dinner, Shane cries because he says I'm killing Wally's family." "A potato?" my husband asked, "My son has a pet potato?" "Well," I said shrugging, "you said he couldn't have a puppy. He was so disappointed, in his mind, he decided he had to have a pet..." "That's crazy!" my husband said. "Maybe you're right, but explain to me why he is dragging that potato around the yard on a string," I said. My husband watched our son for a few more minutes. "I'll bring home a puppy tonight, I'll stop by the animal shelter after work. I guess a puppy can't be that much trouble," he sighed, "It's better than a potato." That night Shane's Daddy brought home a wiggling puppy and a pregnant white cat that he took pity on while he was at the shelter. Everyone was happy. My husband thought he'd saved his son from a nervous breakdown. Shane had a puppy, a cat and five kittens and believed his Mother had magic powers that could change a potato into a puppy. And I was happy because I got my potato back and cooked it for dinner. Everything was perfect until one evening when I was cooking dinner, Shane tugged on my dress and asked, "Mama, do you think I could have a pony for my birthday?" I looked into his sweet little face and said, "Well, first we have to take a watermelon..." Author Unknown
 I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troop s or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . . Have a wonderful day . . . .
PS. A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now - it's too late ! ! !
( I always get a kick out of these things. I try and check things out on www.snopes.com....but I still have relatives etc who send me some of these things without checking them out. :) I'm sure you get these too, so hope you got a laugh here.)~Nana B.
 Happy Mother's Day to my daughter, Ninja Mommy, and all the many wonderful friends I've made here on 360. :) Enjoy!
My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
MY Mother taught me PATIENCE - "Sure, you can do that. As soon as you're 21 and leave the house!"
My Mother taught me DIPLOMACY - "I don't want to hear who started it, It takes two to fight."
My Mother taught me SHARING - " Play nicely with that or I'll just take it away from both of you."
My Mother taught me ETIQUETTE - "Use your fork! If I see that hand on the table again I'll Slap it!"
But most of all, My Mother taught me LOVE - " You know that whatever you do or whatever happens, I'll stand behind you because I Love you."
(Unknown )
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If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world." (Dorothy Nolte)
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"Blessed is the Mother...
Who can hold onto her children while letting them go;
Who puts a tranquil home ahead of an immaculate house;
Who knows a kind act will be remembered longer than an easy word;
Who really believes that prayer changes things;
Whose faith in the future sweetens the present;
Whose Bible never needs dusting; and
Whose sense of humor is alive and well." (The Promoter)
 Hey, just thought I'd pick up the phone and holler at ya! So what's been going on? Really!!!! Well, nothing exciting here, but glad of that. Seems when there is somethin' exciting going on, there's just TOO much excitement. One can only take so much. Well, I need to do that too. I'm just sitting here looking up at that cobweb over there in the corner, but you know what? It's a good bug catcher! Yeah, it really works. I'll get to that tomorrow. Jake? Oh, he's so hysterical, it sure not the same when he's sick. Poor baby. He was really sick for awhile, he seems to be getting better. Now Kristen is all pooped out, sounds like her allergies are bothering her now. Yeah, I've got some Jake stories for you....Now isn't 2 years old supposed to be the terrible twos? I think they have that mixed up with 3 year olds. It's been so long since my kids were little, refresh my memory..... LOL Yeah, I know, just because they turn 3 doesn't make them any more mature. But Jake thinks he's an adult. Did your kids ever act that way? Yeah, well, like I said, many moons ago, can't remember that far back.... Just last night, he was crying for his daddy to stay home from work. He works a late shift, and Kristen tried to tell him that daddy was going to go out and make money so that he could buy Jake some more toys. Jake kept crying, that didn't work. Jake said, "But look all around, I have plenty of toys in my house, daddy doesn't need to go to work to get me more toys!!" Kids say the dardnest things! 
What? You've got to check your supper? Well, hurry right back, I've got more stories!!  Hello, helllllooooo...  what?....oh, I was just playing around waiting on you, sorry. Anyway, Jake is also playing the blame game now. I asked him who had drawn on a cardboard box, he wasn't in trouble, just wanted to see what he said. "I didn't do it, a little guwl did it." Then the other day, he tossed something toward Kristen while we were in the car, and she said something to him. Guess what, someone else did it, not him. LOL
We had trouble for awhile getting him to take his medicine. We told him it would make him well. "I don't want to be well!" Here's something that will help you breath better. "I don't want to breathe!" Kids!! :))) 
What, oh, sure go ahead, I don't want to be the cause of you burning your supper! ......Helllooo, helllooo, oh, sorry, thought you were still busy....Anyway, ya know what, I need to get off here anyway...that cobweb is driving me crazy. I'm going to have to get that sucker down. Oh man, it caught a lot of little critters. I knew they were good for something. Talk to ya later! 
Disclaimer: I really don't talk on the phone that much...and I really don't go on like that. LOL Just thought it would be fun to have a pretend phone call with a pretend friend and play the part of a pestering neighbor. You know someone who knows you're really busy, but just won't let you hang up. LOL The stories are true. haha, I do have cobwebs in my house, and will sit and look at them and think, "I sure need to clean over there." And another true story, if I leave them there for a day or two, maybe 3, I do catch little critters. Okay, so I'm not the neatest of housekeepers, but ya gotta love me!!! I've got a great personality. (Sorry folks, once again I'm repeating part of a commercial that has been on our local tv for many, many years (drives me up the wall every time it comes on!) and that's one of the phrases. But hey, I DO have a great personality. LOL Hey, I've had fun, hope you had fun reading it. 
 Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have the dog sweep the floors with his tail, and lick up all the crumbs... (for stubborn spots that require scrubbing -- recruit a cat... you may have to add tuna water to the spot). If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighborhood, quick!
Vacuuming
Call for a demo from a vacuum cleaner salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate between companies.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run a rag over everything quickly (don't waste your time using the Pledge or Endust... it might harm the computer... and that risk is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts into the air... just like using air freshener.
Laundry
First, find a good place to hide it! If you actually have to do it... like when you have no underwear... (heck, who needs underwear?). Okay, now... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again... and again and again... let the machine do the work... that's what we bought it for, right?
Cleaning the Toilet
Hey, simple, just close the lid.
Clean the Shower
Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom
Again... just close the door. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash can... that illusion will work until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash
If you can't find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often... they might get suspicious.
Wash the Dishes
Duh... the dishwasher, of course... if something doesn't wash off, run it again and again... if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are a far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
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Yee hah!! Kinda figures, huh?? 